Recently I saw a lady who is suffering “Post Separation violence” perpetrated by ex-husband through his incessant legal demands of access to his baby daughter that he never wanted in the first place. The courts have upheld his request as a parent and refused permission to the woman to return back to India where she can get much needed social and parental support, and importantly a chance to return back to her previous job as a trained Engineer. She was married to him for one year when she arrived in Australia on spousal visa. She finds herself a good job that paid good money. After 6 months her husband tells her to stop work, ostensibly because she was pregnant. Her refusal is met by emotional abuse and threats of marital breakup. She wants to save her marriage, she leaves the job but she underestimates his need for power and control over her. Once unemployed she is daily told she is a financial burden, and free-loading. She is confused, depressed, trapped. She returns back to India to get away from him and gives birth to their daughter. He cancels her spousal visa. She returns back to Australia but now is divorced, single mother, unemployed, depressed, struggling to make her ends meet. As her therapist I do not see “her contribution to domestic violence as 50%” as McLaren puts it. He was an IT professional himself but not as educated. His need to feel superior and in control over his wife is a lesson in need for dominance supported by the patriarchal societal rules which assign men power and control over women, in every society, every culture.
We have to recognise that there are many factors that make it hard for women to extricate themselves. An emotional relationship where dreams are invested, finances are tied up; children are involved, emotional need for love is being met notwithstanding the violence it is not easy to simply walk away. This excerpt from a young international student”s diary shows how. “Please he says softly and earnestly, turning me around. No one knows me like you do. No one understands me. Don”t give up on me. But my mind is made up. It feels like everything in my life has come together in a genius stroke of singularity to lead to this one moment. Every cell in my body is united and I finally understand the phrase “I know it in my bones”. Unwaveringly I say, “It”s over.” But it”s not. How can it be? I live with him. My residency in Australia is linked to his Student Visa. I”m studying, and have a loan to repay.” She did walk away in the end but that took a while and was quite difficult without support system.
“Societal Abuse” is a powerful restrictor of social change. It is the “Cultural Over-Eye” that watches us all and punishes those who try to break rank, speak out or act against. The traditions and practices are thus entrenched, gives permission to its male members to continue their patriarchal behaviours and entrap women into silence, the abuse continues. An individual trying to leave the marriage goes through much fear of social judgment, fear of exclusion from society.
This is exemplified by the comments below of a tertiary educated health professional.
“Being blamed for domestic violence , that hit me hard I had to question myself to see what my fault was? What did I do wrong? In return for my good behaviour, not answering back as would be expected of a docile, good Indian wife I received physical, emotional and psychological abuse to the extent that I lost my own self. If I remained quiet and submissive during my abusive marriage, it was because:
1. I wanted my marriage to work.
2. I didn”t want me to be looked down upon as a “divorced woman”
3. I didn”t want to be called as a bad homemaker.
4. I was scared to answer back- as I knew what the repercussions” would be criticism by him, by the in-laws not only of me but also my parents.
We fail to recognise the role of lack of empathy, compassion and bullying in family violence and how that can change. Stories where the new daughter- in -law in an extended family is used as a cook, a cleaner, a maid in a servile position to serve the older members, the males, and of course her husband. Retaliation is not tolerated, it serves to attract criticism and humiliation. What should she do – walk out within a month of a new marriage or try to work on the situation and help things improve in the family, because sometimes things do work out.
It is important that we as society recognise the immense difficulties that victims of domestic violonce go through and support them to start a new life before it is too late as was the case for Nikita Chawla and Deepshikha Godara.